Treadwall Project: Gumby Swagger

Gumby:

1) noun ~ proper name for a green stop motion clay animation character created by art clokey in the early 1950's.

2) noun ~a person who acts in a foolish manner.

3) noun ~ an inexperienced or unsafe climber.

climbing ....just ...keeps ...getting ....more ...CLIMBERS! aint plenty of them should find something safer to do. i, personally blame the gyms. dear lord they breed the gumby. yeah this is gonna be a little harsh but hopefully funny. and maybe a little educational. thats right i only want to help you grow ...and make you cry for the amusement of my friend and i. but, mostly i want to help you learn how not to be a gumby! truly i am a giver.

so i believe climbing teaches by to ways, at least it did originally on the stone before we had gyms that became so whipped by banker types breath down our neck expecting the rent to get paid. so, like everyone we had to serve that burger with a smile. but i lost my place.... oh, climbing is best taught by to methods by shame and fear.... oh and then there is fear of shame. fear is easy, you learn so you dont die. fear of the "big ride" helps most of us focus on what most important. then when you have a close call, fear helps you remember exactly what you should have done for next time. shaming.... thats a little harder. those who know what others to learn, but dont really want to take the time to explain it. you might argue, in which case you'll probably continue to do stupid shit. in which case you die and then they wasted a lot of good climbing time carrying you out. so... a quick chiding is faster considering you want to get one last lap in before you have to build a stretcher out of the rope and two tree libs. beside, lets face it, making fun of others when theyre acting ridiculous boosts the ego.

so in no particular order

the barefoot gumby~i dont know how to say this other than....ICK! do you really think i want to touch where your stinky foot fung-go feet have been. did you watch rampage one two many times? did a stoned out chris sharma tell you its the "natural way".... that its "the future of climbing"? yeah hes and idiot... he isnt climbing barefoot on any of his big sends is he? so please stop. put your shoes back on. its not more fun, or better technique, there is no benefit!

the mountaineer gumby ~oh gosh! do you know how i spotted you. its the figure eight! thats right.... the only ones left using those are the mountaineers ...and those who were unfortunate enough to have a mountaineer teacher. guys please update your gear... oh and your methods. how about some evidence based practice.

gumby shoes ~ it's obvious you new when your shoes are so loose they spin around your foot. the toe box has wrinkles in it. i know, i know, the guy at REI or where ever you bought your shoes convinced you that a "comfortable" pair of shoes would be best. but come on, did the fitting shoes really hurt your little piggies that much?

helmet gumby~YOURE IN THE GYM!!!!!! yes i guess its possible that something might still fall from the sky.... but YOURE IN THE GYM! please dont wear your helmet. but i guess it is you safety choice.

gumby footwork ~ for some reason people walk around all day, but the second they try climbing they have no idea how to keep their weight on their feet.... huh? i guess it is again this misguided goal of "looking" like a climber. well, most climbers keep the weight on their feet a good rule of thumb, your foot should rarely.... very rarely find itself above your head, especially not on a vertical wall. oh... and it is possible to "flag" and "back step" too much!

girlfriend gumby ~let me guess... your on a date? we all know your not a climber....but why are you an idiot also, he told you he was taking you climbing. why did you try and get all dolled up? you look as out of place as a chimpanzee wearing high heels!

tape gumby~ i wish i could have found better pictures to emphasize this one but ill try and give you the mental imagery. first off i want to note.... i am a nurse, so when it comes to medical taping, i know what im talking about! first off, buddy taping (taping to fingers together) does little to nothing of a tendon climbing injury! the doctor told you to do it because most docs have no experience with climbing injuries. if you pulled or tore a tendon you need to tape to reinforce the injury! buddy taping is too loose. this is because your knuckle are larger than the mid segments between.... therefore......fuck! it doesnt work!!!! buddy taping only helps to align a break or dislocation! if youve done that, then stop climbing. next, to the people who use massive gobs of tape wrapped around their whole hand like their about to step into the ring with tyson. if your skin is that torn up, take a rest day. if its not actually torn... stop being a sissy!

gear gumby~ "Wow! sweet gear! new camalots huh? did you just get those? do a lot of trad climbing? .....hey, uh ...did you notice your in a gym?!" WTF?! really? is it training weight? you look stupid. and i dont feel bad for taking the hard road on this one. i will only mock you. for some reason this breed feels the need to climb in the gym with every stick of gear they own dangling off their harness. cams, nuts, slings, quick draws, multiple belay devices, anything else you picked up when you told the guy at REI your a climber... its all there. but no, it doesnt give you anymore credibility!

photo-op gumby~ i know your only there cause someone is having a party and you want to remember this "awesome" experience forever. but your in a GYM! people have memberships and theyre there to train. and your trying to hold onto the roof for 30sec while your retarded cousin figures out how the flash works is really annoying! please no more of the vogue posing pictures of your awesome climbing experience. you never went climbing, you went to an amusement park.... wheres donald and mickey?

Okay im sick of loading photos so ill just give brief explanation of a bunch of other gym gumby's. the beta gumby~ this is the new guy who spouts bad beta constantly. half the time he over heard the beta from an actual climber. the rest of the time its just.....crazy talk? watch the person climb your giving beta to, if theyre better than you are its best just to keep your mouth shut. the lead climbing gumby~ this is one of my favorites, because you would think at this point they would have gotten smart. but you can always spot them as they throw the rope over one shoulder before they leave the ground. its confirmed when they back clip the first draw. its terrifying when theyre shaking up a roof with their foot constantly behind the rope. i pee myself laughing when they fall..... then i wish i wasnt a nurse. F! the wandering gumby~ sometimes isnt even a climber. but its that fool that constant wanders the gym floor walking absent-mindly under unsuspecting climbers waiting to ambush their falling ass with the tops of their head. the chalk bag gumby~ these are the folks who use a carabiner to hold their chalk bag. come on! ever wonder why your bag is twisted, or its not in the center of you back making it harder to reach on one side.... clipped to a gear loop? dont try to tell me the biner is a back up or a bail biner, i know better. half of your breed just uses that crappy "not for climbing" biner. you know the one whos gate breaks after you open it fifteen times. let me tell you something.... most chalk bags come with a belt, for a reason! the belt keeps it properly positioned and when you need to easily movable. like in a chimney where you want to put it to the front?! oh i quit!