the barefoot gumby~i dont know how to say this other than....ICK! do you really think i want to touch where your stinky foot fung-go feet have been. did you watch rampage one two many times? did a stoned out chris sharma tell you its the "natural way".... that its "the future of climbing"? yeah hes and idiot... he isnt climbing barefoot on any of his big sends is he? so please stop. put your shoes back on. its not more fun, or better technique, there is no benefit!
helmet gumby~YOURE IN THE GYM!!!!!! yes i guess its possible that something might still fall from the sky.... but YOURE IN THE GYM! please dont wear your helmet. but i guess it is you safety choice.
gumby footwork ~ for some reason people walk around all day, but the second they try climbing they have no idea how to keep their weight on their feet.... huh? i guess it is again this misguided goal of "looking" like a climber. well, most climbers keep the weight on their feet a good rule of thumb, your foot should rarely.... very rarely find itself above your head, especially not on a vertical wall. oh... and it is possible to "flag" and "back step" too much!
girlfriend gumby ~let me guess... your on a date? we all know your not a climber....but why are you an idiot also, he told you he was taking you climbing. why did you try and get all dolled up? you look as out of place as a chimpanzee wearing high heels!
tape gumby~ i wish i could have found better pictures to emphasize this one but ill try and give you the mental imagery. first off i want to note.... i am a nurse, so when it comes to medical taping, i know what im talking about! first off, buddy taping (taping to fingers together) does little to nothing of a tendon climbing injury! the doctor told you to do it because most docs have no experience with climbing injuries. if you pulled or tore a tendon you need to tape to reinforce the injury! buddy taping is too loose. this is because your knuckle are larger than the mid segments between.... therefore......fuck! it doesnt work!!!! buddy taping only helps to align a break or dislocation! if youve done that, then stop climbing. next, to the people who use massive gobs of tape wrapped around their whole hand like their about to step into the ring with tyson. if your skin is that torn up, take a rest day. if its not actually torn... stop being a sissy!
gear gumby~ "Wow! sweet gear! new camalots huh? did you just get those? do a lot of trad climbing? .....hey, uh ...did you notice your in a gym?!" WTF?! really? is it training weight? you look stupid. and i dont feel bad for taking the hard road on this one. i will only mock you. for some reason this breed feels the need to climb in the gym with every stick of gear they own dangling off their harness. cams, nuts, slings, quick draws, multiple belay devices, anything else you picked up when you told the guy at REI your a climber... its all there. but no, it doesnt give you anymore credibility!
photo-op gumby~ i know your only there cause someone is having a party and you want to remember this "awesome" experience forever. but your in a GYM! people have memberships and theyre there to train. and your trying to hold onto the roof for 30sec while your retarded cousin figures out how the flash works is really annoying! please no more of the vogue posing pictures of your awesome climbing experience. you never went climbing, you went to an amusement park.... wheres donald and mickey?
Okay im sick of loading photos so ill just give brief explanation of a bunch of other gym gumby's. the beta gumby~ this is the new guy who spouts bad beta constantly. half the time he over heard the beta from an actual climber. the rest of the time its just.....crazy talk? watch the person climb your giving beta to, if theyre better than you are its best just to keep your mouth shut. the lead climbing gumby~ this is one of my favorites, because you would think at this point they would have gotten smart. but you can always spot them as they throw the rope over one shoulder before they leave the ground. its confirmed when they back clip the first draw. its terrifying when theyre shaking up a roof with their foot constantly behind the rope. i pee myself laughing when they fall..... then i wish i wasnt a nurse. F! the wandering gumby~ sometimes isnt even a climber. but its that fool that constant wanders the gym floor walking absent-mindly under unsuspecting climbers waiting to ambush their falling ass with the tops of their head. the chalk bag gumby~ these are the folks who use a carabiner to hold their chalk bag. come on! ever wonder why your bag is twisted, or its not in the center of you back making it harder to reach on one side.... clipped to a gear loop? dont try to tell me the biner is a back up or a bail biner, i know better. half of your breed just uses that crappy "not for climbing" biner. you know the one whos gate breaks after you open it fifteen times. let me tell you something.... most chalk bags come with a belt, for a reason! the belt keeps it properly positioned and when you need to easily movable. like in a chimney where you want to put it to the front?! oh i quit!
last but not least..... the spiderman gumby~ .....why? seriously? your ass is above your head! i hope you break your neck!