...dirt bag

that one little label brings up some many things. ideas, ideals, ethics, dreams, illusions, delusions, lifestyle...

it was also the topic of conversation me and "angry" keep coming back to. "dirt bag", nope not a dirt bag. we are not dirt bags. youre not a dirt bag either. no, nope, im right... youre wrong... you are not a dirt bag. its okay i wish i was one, but i know the truth.

i can prove it with 11 simple points, and unlike george carlin, this is not a paded list. it may hurt to hear because your little climbing ego depends on it... but youre not qualified, stop wearing your faggy little sash and waving your banner, you bore me and your nothing like miss america to look at.

i will qualify every point but here is the simple list (in no particular order): car, address, age, plan, job, gym membership, helmet, pride, diet, savings, computer.

the smarter kids on the short buses have seen that list and as much as they wish is wasn't true have already scratched the "dirt bag" label off their resume. but youre stubborn, you wanna stomp your feet at the little tea party you set up for Mr. toad, because Miss whiskers wont stay still long enough.... get it? im calling you a girl.


here we go let's dive in, and ill order it a little more to build the point. first gym membership. everyone with a gym membership to a climbing gym is automatically not a "DB". you have a job, likely a car or other transport (like you city kids), an address, bank account, and many other reasons for me to disqualify you. huh? you get your membership for free? like you work at the gym... yeah out! your part of the industry, you make a living off selling the look and image of climbing. you were hired to sell dirtbag and "legit" the gym. so gym equals not a dirtbag.

that last point hinted at the next point ...pride. if your proud to be a dirt bag... not a dirt bag. a dirt bag is a bum. yes, a bum. the dirty, smelly, lazy, foul mouthed (and i mean the dental hygiene ...primarily), cant manage to make anything else go right... BUM! sure we like bums. to a degree. until that bum with silver pipes goes and gets drunk, and smokes pot, and does some blow... and generally makes everyone look like an ass. point is, no one takes "pride" in that. its a facade, but if you truely lived it you would either care less about proving to everyone how much of a dirtbag you were or you would get sick of it and go home.


address?... do i have to spell this out. and dont try to slip in a qualifier like.... it's my parents house. if it gets really cold and rainy.... do you have shelter? yes? kay.. youre out! not a dirtbag. tents.. bivy sack... nothing but a sleeping bag soaked in piss that you found at a campground? thats were a the dirtbag gets his mail! but they dont get mail... especially not email!


no computer, in fact no electronic devices, cell phones? those things have plans. ipod?, needs a computer. computer needs power. plus...whos not gonna steal that when your on the wall to fund their dirt bag life? funding... got have some funding, BTW whats with the dick stealing draws, i mean, i care less but he must be selling that shit on ebay... asshole not a dirtbag!

funding equals job! does your job require college? really, ...you need me to tell you? how about extensive vocational training... how about pure menial labor? jobs do have layers, like onions.. or cakes.. or girls who just arent ready for their father to hate you yet. so if you have any job, not a dirt bag. see you may have once been a dirt bag, but that shit is conditional, and you dont get grandfathered in. you sell out and get a job, you quit the dirt bag life. you may get that title back when you quit and blow everything you made from that job.

so... savings? you had a job and put cash aside to be a dirt bag? sorry! youre on vacation! you made a plan to not work and pretend to be a bum for a while. this doesnt count!

plans? bums dont have plans, they just wake up the next day shocked as hell they're still alive and then do the crazy bum things that come into their crazy bum brain. bum brain says me climb rock, ...then me climb. bum brain say me hungry, ..then bum brain steal food in the easiest way possible. like the yosemite cafeteria.


somewhere along the way i forgot about the car.... maybe... maybe you have a car. it is like climbing gear. or a bums shopping cart. but that thing better be worse looking than the POS that brian burdo drives. brian who? f-it! the thing smells like a bag of smashed assholes, it's as old as grandpa ass, the doors dont lock, one doesnt even close (climbing swag keeps it from swinging open and throwing the driver free like a mob dump), the paint on mona lisa is less cracked and faded, tires? theres more rubber left on a pencil after the SAT's! is your car that epic? no? not a dirt bag!






helmet? FFFUUUUUCCCC-Kachu!, gazoontight. why have i met so many climbers at sport crags calling themselves dirt bags wearing a helmet.... that helmet that matches your outfit that you bought at REI from the booger eating mouth breather kid, WHO HAS NO IDEA! NONE! ...when it comes to selling climbing gear because everything he knows about climbing he learned from the first ten minutes of "Vertical Limit" (love that movie!) do you see how this connection should have occurred to you before? helmet.... by the way is not BA if your not BA your not a DB

so how do you get to be bad ass?! well you could diet? dieting is not bad ass! counting calories is not badass! salad will always loose to a burger when your a bum! if you can afford to be strong on a salad then your not a dirtbag... being vegan is not cheap enough! being a poor as shit kid that will eat anything is a dirtbag. if you diet, have a diet, incorporate diet, or are thinking diet effects training you are not a bad ass dirt bag!

so where do we find this bad ass dirt bag? well he's old. they are all old and amazed theyre still alive. you wish you had done what they did, when they did it. you wish you were there to get kicked in the face for being a climber. no "dirt bag" today has any idea what it meant to be a dirtbag then. and the dirt bags that are still alive? they arent dirt bags... they sell their dirt bag lifestyle/products to you because you want to be them! Royal, Yvon all those guys are way cooler than c. sharma and tommy c.

please stop calling yourself a dirt bag.... it's like that asshole kid in the mall who smokes pot listens to marley, has dreads, stinks like pikachulie, and is god damn convinced hes a hippie!